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When I finally tell her on Sunday, she's braiding my hair, an act at once childish and intimate. She doesn't pause or slow down, and I think maybe she doesn't get it. But when she's done she asks me what we'll do when her job brings her back to the Bar every few weeks, and I know she understands. I tell her we'll act like adults, and I hope like friends.
"I don't know if I could handle being just your friend again," she says. "It's not enough."
No, it's absolutely not enough. "I know it's not your fault, Bonnie, but it breaks my heart to be with you."
"Did you make up your mind before you came over here tonight?"
I made up my mind before I came over here the first night. "I'd been thinking about it."
"But you wanted to fuck me again."
Okay. I take a deep breath and reach for my jeans on the floor. I've got one leg nearly through when she reaches an arm around my chest and yanks me backwards onto the bed, my yelp meek like a puppy's. "Maybe I get to fuck you again, too," she says, and pins my arms. I don't even have time to think about the incongruity of the desire and the threat before she gets up again and walks to her window. I lie there equal parts sad, excited, and afraid. "You don't have to go now," she says, her back to me. "It's not a place to be walking around in the middle of the night."
I just stare at her body in the dim wash of the streetlight at the end of the block, and wonder how I'm going to watch her flirt with my customers without wanting to tear them apart. "Please don't leave yet," she says more quietly, and then she comes back to bed. We sleep, a little, here and there, but mostly we just grab at each other, unsure of how to let go. When I leave in the morning I'm leaving a gap in a part of me where, not so long ago, I never even knew I had a part of me.
Tuesday afternoon I'm at the Bar with my laptop, Jocelyn over my shoulder, taking advantage of the nearly complete lack of customers at this hour. I've logged into the one dating website on which I've ever had a profile, and I'm reactivating it and editing it ever so slightly. "I can't find the damn setting," I bitch at her.
"There," she points. "Wow, that could be a little less intuitive."
I switch from "Straight" to "Bisexual," and just like that, I've come out. I did it here many months ago... but this is a different kind of anonymity. On the dating website I'm just another 26 year old woman with a few witty sayings... it doesn't even say what I do for a living. But right there at the top is my photo. This, the profile now says, is a photograph of a girl who likes both boys and girls. Step right up and take a gander, you might see her on the street. My head spins.
"So what are you looking for in a girlfriend?" Jocelyn asks.
"Huge tits."
She laughs, "I'm taken!"
We craft a search for women around my age in or near the city who are also interested in women, and we start browsing. "Hey, she's cute," Jocelyn points, and I smile, thinking how far we've come since our first conversation after she found out I was bi. She is cute, though, and I scroll to read more about her. I barely get past "poetry," though, because the laptop goes "ping" and a new little instant message window opens up in the corner.
"ur hot," the IM says. The tiny little photo is of a mostly bald guy with a big, toothy smile.
"Thanks," I type in response.
"my gf & i love 3somes, u?"
"Wow," Jocelyn says. "That didn't take long."
"I don't know if I could handle being just your friend again," she says. "It's not enough."
No, it's absolutely not enough. "I know it's not your fault, Bonnie, but it breaks my heart to be with you."
"Did you make up your mind before you came over here tonight?"
I made up my mind before I came over here the first night. "I'd been thinking about it."
"But you wanted to fuck me again."
Okay. I take a deep breath and reach for my jeans on the floor. I've got one leg nearly through when she reaches an arm around my chest and yanks me backwards onto the bed, my yelp meek like a puppy's. "Maybe I get to fuck you again, too," she says, and pins my arms. I don't even have time to think about the incongruity of the desire and the threat before she gets up again and walks to her window. I lie there equal parts sad, excited, and afraid. "You don't have to go now," she says, her back to me. "It's not a place to be walking around in the middle of the night."
I just stare at her body in the dim wash of the streetlight at the end of the block, and wonder how I'm going to watch her flirt with my customers without wanting to tear them apart. "Please don't leave yet," she says more quietly, and then she comes back to bed. We sleep, a little, here and there, but mostly we just grab at each other, unsure of how to let go. When I leave in the morning I'm leaving a gap in a part of me where, not so long ago, I never even knew I had a part of me.
Tuesday afternoon I'm at the Bar with my laptop, Jocelyn over my shoulder, taking advantage of the nearly complete lack of customers at this hour. I've logged into the one dating website on which I've ever had a profile, and I'm reactivating it and editing it ever so slightly. "I can't find the damn setting," I bitch at her.
"There," she points. "Wow, that could be a little less intuitive."
I switch from "Straight" to "Bisexual," and just like that, I've come out. I did it here many months ago... but this is a different kind of anonymity. On the dating website I'm just another 26 year old woman with a few witty sayings... it doesn't even say what I do for a living. But right there at the top is my photo. This, the profile now says, is a photograph of a girl who likes both boys and girls. Step right up and take a gander, you might see her on the street. My head spins.
"So what are you looking for in a girlfriend?" Jocelyn asks.
"Huge tits."
She laughs, "I'm taken!"
We craft a search for women around my age in or near the city who are also interested in women, and we start browsing. "Hey, she's cute," Jocelyn points, and I smile, thinking how far we've come since our first conversation after she found out I was bi. She is cute, though, and I scroll to read more about her. I barely get past "poetry," though, because the laptop goes "ping" and a new little instant message window opens up in the corner.
"ur hot," the IM says. The tiny little photo is of a mostly bald guy with a big, toothy smile.
"Thanks," I type in response.
"my gf & i love 3somes, u?"
"Wow," Jocelyn says. "That didn't take long."
"I might have to make a few more edits to my profile," I reply, and close the IM window just as a group of businessmen enters the Bar.
curious
You know, because if you're bi, that also means you want to have tons of sex, with EVERYONE. :P
Long story short (too late), I ended up taking it off my profile. But by then, I wasn't searching for someone to date anymore...
Naaah. That's what it means if you're on MySpace. Being bi just means you have to spend more time explaining that you are still allowed to be choosy, but nobody believes you.
You forget, supposedly being the "guest star" in a threesome is the best part. No strings attached and no awkwardness that you have to deal with because you are tied to a partner!
LAWL I need to stop watching reruns of Sex and the City.
Still, knowing why might not make it any better for me...but...Wait, maybe I get it. I'll just have to keep reading and see.Edited at 2007-12-12 11:11 pm (UTC)
ETA Hmmm - since November, apparently, for Paid Users at any rate. I only just noticed. Shiny!
Edited at 2007-12-13 01:01 am (UTC)
It can be really hard, dealing with the 'ur cute' comments, but equally hard getting anyone to take you seriously on either side of the fence.
I don't have much advice to give, other than to take the good and try to leave the rest.
Now that
Re: Now that
See? A hundred household uses!
Re: Now that
Re: Now that
The Internet: Because Clue Is Precious, And What's Precious Is Rare.
I wish my life read like this.
just finally had to say something about the whole thing. the story annoys me but for whatever it's worth i still keep her on my f-list.
and ps. the only reason i'm anonymousing this comment is because i don't want deal with a bunch of comments in my inbox responding about how mean i am. wah.
And then sometimes I think a lot of this is made up but then I remember I've been known to fuck up my own life and not see it coming.
I just think Miss Barmaid needs to slow the hell down on the relationship highway, bi or not, and not set herself up for so much hurt.
Arguing that this is just a "character" and not an actual person, I can't feel sorry for her when she screws with people so much and then decides later it was a bad idea.
It's even easier to be selfish all the time.
I think if our dear barmaid here is a real person, she needs to grow up before she worries about what shaped squishybits she wants on a partner.
leaving another broken friend in her wake
Re: leaving another broken friend in her wake
Rather than judging Barmaid, maybe we should just read. Or, in your case, not read, preferably.
I have no idea what's up with those creeps. Are their tactics ever successful? Or if it's just that the only bisexuality they have ever been exposed to was that of a well-paid porn actress, and therefore all bisexuals must be exactly like porn stars and should be treated as such?
So confusing.
Good luck with the out and proud thing!
That said, many years ago, I saw profiles of "bisexual" women on dating sites who refused to talk to guys. Is it an overreaction to nonsense like this, or just one more person muddying the definition of "bisexual"? *shrug*
If homosexuality wasn't so stigmatized by our society in general, there'd be a lot less of this nonsense going on. Give it 150 years and it'll go the way of racism--not gone, but greatly faded and less acceptable.
And, Debra, congratulations on coming out a little more. Being that much truer to yourself is worth the step.
Anyway, I think I just posted that comment to illustrate that it was a reference that I had to look up.
This spoke to me in such a real and painfully beautiful way.
Dating sites, ugh.
Then throw in the fact that I'm poly, and the menfolk act like I've a welcome mat tattooed on my inner thigh.
I dated a lesbian recently and when I broke up with her because I couldn't see me having a long-term, monogamous relationship with her... she told me I was just leaving her because she's not a man. She's been harassing me ever since to change my profile to say that I'm straight, I think she's got her definitions confused. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the fact that I want both make me neither straight nor a lesbian? That is the definition of bi, correct? :-P
Anyway, good luck to you. Kudos for having the strength to be honest with her. Just putting it out there can be hard. And kudos for coming out, too. Only you are responsible for your fulfillment.
Re: Dating sites, ugh.
Edited at 2007-12-14 03:24 am (UTC)
Re: Dating sites, ugh.
(Couldn't resist. *G*)
Re: Dating sites, ugh.
she told me I was just leaving her because she's not a man
That's probably easier for her to take than, "I can't see this going anywhere."
I just hope this blog doesnt digress into only about the "Bi" lifestyle that your posters whine about.
From reading about your break with Bonnie, I am convinced that you sabataged your "man" relationship. Breaks your heart to be with her. I hope before you get into another relationship (with a man or a woman) you confront your fear of commitment. With the loss of your mom and all, I can see how you might be afraid to invest(believe and trust in their commitment) too much. But no realtionship is one sided and you've already broken a few hearts during the course of your blog.
So that said, and having no realtionship due to my own fears, I look forward to reading about your future trysts and the antics at the bar.
There are a heck of a lot more bisexual women on the internet than you'd run into in real life, and of course there are many reasons for that. A friend of mine who is "your way" opted to open up two profiles on a dating site, one in which she said she was straight, another in which she said she was a lesbian to help avoid the whole threesome issue.
Maybe be in your own skin for awhile and bag the dating-site thing.
J
Not exactly on subject, but...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/32668
Da dooby down dooby doo down down,
Comma comma down dooby doo down down,
Comma comma down dooby doo down down,
Breaking up is hard to do.
It'll satisfy some of those needs until you're ready to contribute emotionally.